1. How to get laid: lie in bed, what two hours, become past tense.
2. I used to date an English teacher, but they dumped me for improper use of the colon.
3. Q: If a blackbird makes a baby blackbird, and a bluebird makes a baby bluebird, what kind of bird makes no baby? A: Swallow.
4. My girlfriend guessed I’d be submissive in bed. She was right. She had me pegged from the start.
5. Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
6. Q: How is sex like a game of bridge? A: Unless you have a great hand, it’s better with a partner. 
7. If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.
8. A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?” The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” He replies, “Yeah, that’s the one.”
9. If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
10. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
11. I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
12. I walked in on my other half having sex with their personal trainer. I said, “Ok, this isn’t working out.”
13. What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
14. I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.
15. Sex with a condom just doesn’t feel as good as sex with a person.
16. Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
17. Q: What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste.

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