You Don’t Always Have to Aim for the Outfield! For a lot of people, sex is linear. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. The end, for many, comes in the form of an orgasm. And orgasms are pretty awesome, so it’s understandable that most humans are goal-oriented when it comes to sex and intimacy. But what might we be missing along the way?
There’s a very popular TED Talk by sex educator Al Vernacchio (https://www.ted.com/talks/al_vernacchio_sex_needs_a_new_metaphor_here_s_one). In his presentation, he argues that baseball – the most well-known of sex metaphors – isn’t the healthiest way to think about how we engage with our partners. If it becomes a World Series operation, there’s a great deal of pressure placed on everyone (and let’s face it, usually even more so on women because we’re the ones who face greater potential consequences.) Additionally, when sex is all about the destination, we hyperfocus on the endgame, and miss out on so many points of connection with our partners along the way.
Like what, you may ask? Like kissing, and touching, and caressing. Like being enveloped in someone’s arms. Like learning someone else’s body, exploring what makes them shiver, discovering birthmarks and freckles and scars. Like hearing someone’s whisper, like getting creative, like playing with toys and playing with one another. Like taking our time and making the most of it. This can drastically increase intimacy, improve relationships and make sex way, way hotter.
Most of us can come on our own just fine – we’ve got lots of ways to get there without the help of anyone else. So it makes sense that if we’re gonna go to the trouble of inviting someone into our sex lives, we might as well make it worth our while!
Vernacchio suggests we view sex not through the baseball lens but a pizza one instead, because it, um, levels the playing field. “ When we get together with someone for pizza”, he says, “we’re not competing with them, we’re looking for an experience that both of us will share that’s satisfying for both of us, and when you get together for pizza with somebody, what’s the first thing you do? You talk about it. You talk about what you want. You talk about what you like”.
Don’t get us wrong – we’re not knocking quickies! We’re just here to help you expand your horizons. So just think about it: if you could have sex with your partner today without any goals, what would it be like? How long would you linger, where would you be, what would the vibe be like? Would it matter if there weren’t any orgasms? These can be good questions to ask so yourself that next time, you can opt for greater intimacy instead of just simply running the bases.
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