Intimate Tickles Thought You Might Be Interested

Published: Mon, 06 Nov 2017 17:06:26 +0000

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Author: Elly Prior | First published: 06-11-2017 | Modified: 06-11-2017

If your partner appears to be suffering from a nervous breakdown, I’m not surprised you’re looking for information on how to handle that. I can so understand you’re at a loss, and don’t know what to believe, how to react and what to do for the best.

During my work as a psychotherapist for 24 years, I’ve supported hundreds of people through a nervous breakdown. I understand how challenging it can be for all concerned. It’s therefore my aim to help you support your partner – and survive this difficult time yourself.

Let me start by reassuring you right away: this challenging period of your lives will end!

With regards to how you may be feeling whilst your partner is clearly so out of sorts, it’s totally understandable for you to…

• feel completely baffled by what’s going on;
• become really worried about what it can mean for the immediate and possibly the long-term future of your relationship or marriage;
• feel powerless, because no matter what you do or say, you can’t seem to help or make it better;
• feel frustrated and impatient at times, perhaps even to the point of losing your rag (understandable – you’re human – but do try to avoid it);
• not understand what’s happened at all because everything seemed okay last week or the last time you spoke;
• not understand a sudden downturn, because it seemed that he/she was getting better;
• feel at a loss as nothing you do or say appears to make any difference.

So, let’s look at what might be going on…

Knowing what to expect when your partner is having a nervous breakdown

First of all, it’s important that you familiarise yourself with what happens to you when you’re going through a nervous breakdown.

If after reading the above it’s clear that your partner is having a breakdown…

• Be prepared to get things wrong at times, however hard you try. Aim to take it in your stride – just keep breathing slowly.
• It will sometimes be difficult to have a rational conversation with your partner. Due to the sway of hormones, the logical, analytical part of their brain just isn’t functioning well. And they aren’t aware of it!
• Your partner is unlikely to be able to tell you what they want or what you can do for them. Particularly not early on. Why? Because they’re in a highly emotional state and simply just burnt out. If they’ve suffered a complete burn-out they’ll be unable to cope with even the smallest task.
• When they’re off sick at home and you’re working your butt off, it can feel galling to come home and still have to do the shopping, the cleaning, the admin, sort the kids and cook a meal. But know that for your partner right now, simply going to the shop is a major undertaking. Cooking can seem like a monumental task. They’re not being lazy – they just don’t have the physical and mental capacity to fulfil their responsibilities at the moment. 

Talk about that breakdown together

Have a conversation with your partner (you know – the kind where you’ve switched off your mobile and made sure you’re not going to be disturbed). Early on, in particular, be prepared for some really heavy discussions. There’ll be much darkness, irritability and negativity. Knowing this in advance can help you to mentally prepare yourself for it and remain calm throughout.

This is what your partner needs to hear: 

• That you wanted to understand better what they’re going through so you’ve read the above mentioned article
• That you’re sorry to know that they’re having such a hard time. That, other than what you’ve read, you’re finding it hard to imagine what it must be like for them. Could they tell you a little more about how they’re feeling? 
• That you’re going to be there for them (I’ll explain further down what that entails)

When you’ve talked, have a cuddle – if they’re open to that. Don’t take it personally if they can’t. Know that all their sensory organs are working overtime and that any stimulus can just feel like an overload. A comforting cuddle might suddenly have become a frightening prospect. But know that it’s unlikely to be your fault. It can simply be one of the many consequences of an emotional breakdown.

And I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to you to know that there are some things you should avoid saying at all costs:

Instead…

(With regards to number 5, your partner is unlikely to be able to see things in context. Therefore they may not notice when they’re more able to do things, or when they have fewer panic attacks, or have a generally reasonable day. So, help them out by reminding them whenever they need a boost – which they will, often!) 

Advice on how you can help speed up your partner’s recovery

Why not? Isn’t that a bit over-the-top?

Well, with this list, I’m preparing you for the worst case scenario. It may be that your partner is capable of coping with more than I’m suggesting. But, a nervous breakdown affects every sufferer differently. At the most severe end of the scale, it can involve a complete collapse where even getting up from the sofa requires a major effort. 

In essence, if they’ve had a breakdown, your partner is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Nothing is functioning as it should, e.g. their immune system, hormonal balance, digestive system etc. And when everything’s off kilter, it makes even the simplest of tasks hard to achieve.

So that’s the list of things you shouldn’t do. But what should you do?

It’s important that your partner takes responsibility for their recovery. You can support them through it, but ultimately they need to take action themselves if they want to get better. You can’t do it for them, or fix them, and neither should you try. Instead…

How to survive your partner’s breakdown

Clearly you’re going through a difficult time too, particularly if the two of you were already having relationship problems.

So, there are two key strategies that can simultaneously help you, your partner and your relationship:

• Own your role and take responsibility for getting your side of things sorted
• Make sure you look after yourself too

Your partner may well appear very distant and incapable of displaying any feelings of love and tenderness. If he or she is on medication then this, I’m afraid, can be one of the side-effects. It’s very likely, too, to be due to their emotional state – they’re simply walking on a knife edge. So don’t take it personally. Know that they haven’t fallen out of love with you. It’s just that they’re not physically or emotionally capable of showing you their love right now.

Talking about your relationship together may not be possible at the moment. Your partner is probably finding it hard to think straight. Being asked questions can easily feel too much like an interrogation. Questions also require thinking space, which is something they’re unlikely to have much of right now.

It’s important that you look out for any fleeting moments of positivity, tenderness or connection from your partner. They won’t necessarily be big gestures, but just a look, a word or a touch can go a long way towards helping you feel like you do still matter. Because, take it from me, you really do still matter! And for that reason, here are some more ways you can help yourself survive your partner’s breakdown:

When can you expect things to be back to ‘normal’?

I know this is all really tough to deal with, but please trust me when I say it’s temporary. By that, I mean that there is an end to it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s in sight just yet.

Recovery from a nervous breakdown can take anything from 3 months to the best part of a year – or maybe even longer. I’m afraid it’s impossible to predict recovery time, because there are so many things at play including…

• any pre-existing mental or physical health problems;
• the long-term consequences of any childhood adversity;
• the level of support available (this is where you can play a big role);
• medication (which, ironically, can increase recovery time!);
• how long the breakdown has been brewing and the reasons it happened.

What the crisis can mean for your relationship

Your partner’s breakdown doesn’t have to spell doom or disaster for your relationship. Sure, it’ll be really challenging for a while – but this crisis will pass. You can tackle the problems together, both in your own ways. And, once you’ve overcome this together, there’s nothing you won’t be able to beat in the future!

Accept that you’ll both respond, think and feel differently. Accept each other for who you are and how you cope with this situation. And become heroes together! Triumph over adversity, and strengthen your relationship as a result.

Facing the ending of your relationship?

If the breakdown happened as part of a relationship crisis it could also spell the end of your partnership. If you’re contemplating the ending of your relationship, or indeed your partner is, I highly recommend you connect with an online, licensed therapist, or consult a professional local to you.

Finally…

Although I can’t tell you how much longer this breakdown will last, I can tell you that there will come a point when your partner has recovered. So, if you’re in it for the long haul, be prepared to encounter challenges and upsets along the way. Be prepared to support your partner, but be sure to look after your own health too (remember to take time out when you need to).

Be prepared for one step forward and a couple of steps backwards. Notice and celebrate each positive step forward, no matter how small or infrequent. You’ll find the steps forward become bigger and happen more often over time.

When your partner’s well again, consciously make time to celebrate, together, the strength of your relationship. Be grateful, together, for what you both have, and what you’ve achieved – independently and as a couple. And know that, now you’ve survived this period together, you’re better equipped to face anything else that life may throw at you.

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