There are so many options within the English language to create great pickup lines, yet somehow people are still using these really bad pickup lines.

I feel like a lot of people use really bad pickup lines as a joke, just to their close friends. I know that I do, anyway. Maybe I’m wrong, but I would hope that most people wouldn’t dare try one of these pickup lines in a real-life situation. That would just be a bad idea.

Listen guys, as your friend *yes, we’re all friends here*, I’m telling you the absolute truth: These pickup lines are like a train wreck waiting to happen. They aren’t going to work. And if you make them work, I salute you because you are truly a god.

One time a guy messaged me on Tinder with a massive message, like we’re talking approximately 300 words, and it was our first interaction.The message was this massively elaborate story of how we would meet for coffee, start dating, fall in love, get married and have kids, and then I would inevitably cheat on him with a guy at work, and we would find ourselves in a messy divorce and the kids would be heartbroken, and one of us would never see the dog again, so to avoid all of that we should just sleep together. Yeah, all of that just to ask me to get in bed with him.

For the record, nothing ever came of that conversation. I congratulated him on a job well done, and went on my way. I had to give him props, because it was definitely entertaining. Also, I’m not naïve to the fact that this dude probably copied and pasted this message to everybody in his matches. He didn’t write this message for me. I’m really not that special. I mean, I can guarantee that it worked on a handful of other girls, and I truly don’t blame them at all. [Read: 21 intriguing Tinder conversation starters that’ll work every single time]

It was clever, and I’m sure it made a lot of people feel special because it wasn’t just a standard “hi” or a really bad pickup line. It was funny! It caught my attention long enough for me to read it *which was a long time, since it was a lengthy message*, and I still tell that story years later. Be that person. Don’t use one of these really bad pickup lines and be forgotten.

Unless that’s sort of your plan? Use the worst pickup line imaginable, and blow their minds? Interesting. That might just work, actually. [Read: Some of the most common Tinder horror stories]

Really bad pickup lines that you should avoid using at all costs

Regardless of your motives, I’ve done the research. I’ve scoured the deepest depths of the universe to find these really bad pickup lines for you. Are you ready to vom? Yeah, I’m hip. It means “vomit,” duh. Gosh, guys, get with the times.

#1 Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong. Okay, Mr. Disgustington. Ease up. [Read:

#2 Do you drink milk? It clearly did your body good. Ya nasty.

#3 I lost my teddy, will you sleep with me instead? Just weird? What the heck are you doing sleeping with a teddy anyways?!

#4 I lost my virginity, can I have yours? I sent this to my boyfriend once… Yeah, I kind of hate myself. [Read: 12 corny pick up lines that’ll definitely make your man smile]

#5 That shirt looks great on you, but it would look better on the floor. DO YOU WANNA BE ON THE FLOOR!? BOY, DON’T YOU DARE USE THIS.

#6 Your daddy must be a drug dealer, because you’re dope. HAHAHAHA, so funny. No, my daddy is an accountant, thank you very much.

#7 I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Well… don’t. Just don’t.

#8 Is your name Google? Because you’re the answer to everything I’ve been searching for. Hmm, nope, not me. But perhaps you could use Google to find a better pickup line? [Read: 30 foolproof pick up lines and 10 you should never ever use]

#9 Was your mother a beaver, because damn! *Crickets*.

#10 I put the STD in stud, all I need is u. Yeah, when you walked in and I saw that greasy mullet, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep with you… But now, now that you’ve told me about your STD? Well, now it’s ON.

#11 Are those space pants? Because your butt is out of this world! Can these space pants make me fly far, far away from this conversation? Because yes.

#12 Can you touch my hand? I want to tell my friends I was touched by an angel. Just no. [Read: Fit right in with these funny conversation starters]

#13 If you were a transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine. Correction: If I was a transformer, I would crush you and your really bad pickup lines.

#14 Hey, baby, like my shirt? It’s made of boyfriend material. Actually, I like my boyfriends the way I like my lipstick: Nude. Just kidding, get away from me. [Read: 101 awesomely good comebacks for every single occasion]

#15 Hey girl, are you Wi-Fi? Because we have a connection. *Unplugs router*. No can do, sir.

#16 Okay, I’m here. What would you like for your next wish? Well, you going away would be fantastic, actually. Thank you for asking.

#17 Excuse me, I believe you have something in your eye. Oh, nope it’s just a sparkle. Actually, it’s my contact lens, but thanks for making sure, guy. [Read: Witty comebacks you can use on an overly flirtatious guy]

#18 Remember me? Oh that’s right, we’ve only met in my dreams. *Internal screaming*.

#19 If you were a Pokemon, I’d choose you. Don’t ruin Pokemon for me, please and thank you. And correction, if I was a Pokemon, I’d be a Charmander because I’m fiery as hell. [Read: 16 sultry Spanish pickup lines to snag yourself a sexy señorita]

#20 On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight? Excuse me while I hurl.

Don’t use any of these really bad pickup lines. I know you, we’re buddies now right? You can come up with flawless pickup lines that will actually work! These ones? No way, honey.