Deciding what is necessary, what will help your relationship grow, and or set it back when it comes to questions to ask your lover is hard.
When it comes to the types of questions to ask your lover, there is a pretty broad landscape of options. Are you talking about intimate questions or do you want to get to know each other in different ways? Do you want fun and lighthearted questions or something deeper?
Well, no matter what you are looking for, I have got you covered.
Why do you need questions to ask your lover?
Before we get into the best and worst questions to ask your lover, you may be wondering why exactly it is so important to ask questions. Well, it is how you get to know someone. Even if you are only interested in the physical aspect of a relationship, knowing what someone likes and doesn’t like is vital.
And if you want to create a deeper bond showing your interest in their past, their hobbies, and even their job enhances your connection. [Read: Questions to ask to know your partner better]
Questions you don’t need to ask your lover
There are some questions to ask your lover that many people see as go to’s, but really are not necessary and are actually more likely to cause a riff than a stronger bond. So here are the questions you do not need to ask your lover.
#1 How many sexual partners have you had? Asking your partner how many serious relationships they’ve had is totally fine. But asking about their sexual history is not necessary when it comes to numbers.
Instead, ask them about their sexual health. Discuss if you have both been tested recently and given the all clear. Yes, some couples don’t mind sharing their “number,” but it really is not necessary. You and your lover may have more or less experience than one another, but that shouldn’t affect how you think of them.
Knowing someone’s number can actually unintentionally create judgment and worry that could easily be avoided by focusing on your current relationship rather than the past. [Read: Is your past rousing your lover’s jealousy?]
#2 Are you sure you still like me? Or any variety of this question is not only quite a turnoff but shows a serious lack of self-confidence. It is great to validate your feelings for one another, but that shouldn’t come from a question like this.
The fact that this person is with you says they care and are interested. Requiring constant reassurance from your lover can really turn something sweet into something sour.
#3 Do you have feelings for your ex? Discussing past relationships can be very telling and important for you and your lover, but a question like this comes off as more of an accusation. And that is neither fair nor useful for the two of you.
Questions like this make you seem jealous, unsure, and untrusting. Bringing up something like this immediately sets off someone’s defenses and makes them feel like their loyalty is being taken into question. [Read: Can a relationship without trust even make it?]
The best questions to ask your lover
Now that we touched on some questions to ask your lover that you may want to avoid, here are the ones that are totally appropriate, helpful, and maybe even necessary for some.
#1 What do you like? This might seem pretty basic, but we sometimes forget to ask the person we spend time with what they like. You may know somethings, but it never hurts to learn more about your lover.
There is always more to know. And this is in regards to their hobbies, their taste, and their sexual preferences.
#2 What do you not like? This may be even more important than the last. Knowing the things that someone doesn’t like is crucial for you to know what you should avoid with your lover.
Doing something to make them uncomfortable, even unintentionally could really throw things array. [Read: 60 get-to-know-you questions for every new romance]
#3 What are you willing to try or not try? When it comes to being spontaneous with travel or in the bedroom, knowing what the limits are is important. You always want to be on the same page and expressing how far you are willing to go is vital.
Be sure that when you ask your lover about what they are willing to do, share your answer too.
#4 What are your deal breakers? You could be lovers, but the dealbreakers discussion could be put off for years, which can lead to a painful breakup. Instead be open with your partner.
Let them know if smoking or drinking is off the table for you. The same goes for marriage, kids, moving, etc. Of course, things you can’t foresee always arise, but knowing what you both cannot handle upfront will make things run a lot more smoothly. [Read: 20 revealing questions to get to know someone better instantly]
#5 Where do you see this going? This can be asked too quickly, but if you are referring to this person as your lover, you are probably in the safe zone. Asking where things are going can seem super scary. What if you don’t get the answer you want?
Well, it is better to know now rather than later. Plus, once you have that conversation you can move forward. Being stuck in an are we or aren’t we limbo is not fun. [Read: How to talk to your lover about your relationship]
#6 Is there anything you want to know about me that you don’t know already? This can also be a little scary because it is impossible to predict what your lover might say. But making sure they don’t have any doubts or questions is important. Ensuring they get everything off their chest will lead you to a happier future.
#7 What first struck your interest with me? This can help to reignite a spark between you if it starts dying down. Recapturing what first brought you together can seem like the first time all over again.
This can also clue you into what it is that your partner loves so much about you so that you can put that part of yourself on display more often. [Read: 30 naughty questions for couples to keep the spark alive]
#8 Have you ever been in love before? Again, if you are lovers in a strictly physical sense, this may not be a necessary question, but it can be a major eye-opener in a romantic relationship.
Knowing how emotionally experienced your partner is can help you figure out how slow or quickly you feel comfortable moving.
#9 What is your love language? There are five love languages. These are different ways people give and receive love. They involve things like time spent together, acts of service, words of affirmation, and more.
Knowing what your lover’s love language is and vice versa can help you be sure that you are showing love in the way your partner best receives it.
#10 Do you have any fantasies? As lovers, pushing boundaries and trying new things is important for intimacy and passion. Clueing each other in on something you have always wanted to try but maybe have never had the nerve for can take your bond to a new level. [Read: The top 50 kinky ideas that are worth exploring at least once in your relationship]
#11 Do you have any regrets? It would be nice if we could all say we have no regrets, but that is definitely not the case for most people. And sharing your regrets is like sharing your darkest secret.
Being that vulnerable and opening that door is what having a lover is for. You can be there for each other and discuss anything without judgment. [Read: Pillow talk is the best bonding tool for you and your lover]
#12 Is this relationship satisfying you? This is another question people often go ages without asking their lover in fear of the response. But no matter what it is, it can move you forward.
If they aren’t satisfied, you can discuss how you can change that. Does your lover need more support with their work or emotionally? Or maybe physically your relationship isn’t satisfying them? There is always a way to mend these issues, but you have to admit them first.
#13 What is number one on your bucket list? This may seem like a silly question, but bucket lists are always full of things like trying a cricket, or skydiving. A lot of things that people want to do before they die are deeper and more meaningful than that.
Sharing this is personal and intimate, not to mention how amazing it would be if you could actually accomplish it. [Read: 20 things you can add right away into your couples bucket list]
#14 When and where do you feel the most free? A relationship is hard work, but it shouldn’t feel like a job. It should bring happiness to your life first and foremost. So asking your partner where they go or what they do to feel the most free can be so enlightening.
#15 What is your favorite thing that I do for you? Maybe you always rub your lover’s back when you watch TV or you make a purring noise when you kiss. These things are small, but usually, lovers notice the small things about each other.
Sharing these small things you love about each other shows you how much you appreciate one another.
#16 What can I do to make our time apart easier? Every couple struggles when they go a long time without seeing each other. But everyone reacts to distance differently. Some people pull back, others want constant communication.
Discussing how you can make that time easier on each other will make those times feel a whole lot shorter.
#17 Do you think we have sex too often or not often enough? Sex is a big part of most relationships, and this is one of those questions to ask your lover that can reveal a lot about your sex life. Physical connection is the basis for a lot of people.
Although creating a schedule isn’t the most romantic, discussing how often you would both prefer to make love can make both of you a lot happier overall. [Read: How often should you have sex? 15 signs you’re not having enough]
#18 What is your biggest fear? Is it death, is it losing your job, or maybe failing? We all have fears and we all have a biggest fear. Keeping it in may seem strong, but sharing that sensitive side of yourself with your lover and vice versa releases a stress you didn’t even know you had.
#19 If we could go anywhere right now, where would you want to go? Travel even if only a half an hour away is a part of so many people’s lives. Has your partner always wanted to visit Ireland? Or maybe New Orleans is more their speed?
Sharing your dreams of traveling to far off lands or going out of town gives you something to look forward to. [Read: Reasons why traveling together is a good test of compatbility]
#20 What constitutes cheating to you? This is a biggie. And it is one of the scary questions to ask your lover. You don’t want your partner to say that they get jealous when you talk to this one guy at work. And you probably don’t even want to bring up the word cheating.
But, discussing what cheating actually is to the both of you is a vital question to ask your lover to ensure you are on the same page.
[Read: How to be in a relationship when the world of monogamy is so young
There are hundreds, probably thousands of questions to ask your lover, but starting out with these can let you and your partner get to know each other better.